I have ADD. I’ve mentioned it before. I’m generally unmedicated, mostly because of the cost of the medication, but also because of the stigma attached to it. So many people argue that it’s not a real thing. So many people have asked to buy my meds from me when they learned that I was on them and it pisses me off.
I haven’t had a current perscription for almost two years now, but I still have a bottle in my drawer with a few doses remaining and maybe once every three months or so, when I’m feeling more overwhelmed than usual, I’ll take it.
And it’s like magic. Most of my anxiety melts away. I think more clearly. I’m mellow. I do things in the correct order of operations. (Like, for instance I thought to put the wet clothes into the dryer BEFORE putting away the two loads of folded laundry so that they could be drying during that time.) I can see one step ahead instead of having to try really hard to focus on the task at hand without pulling myself in a thousand different directions. I maximize the use of my time. I don’t feel stressed. I don’t get frustrated with my kids. I don’t feel overwhelmed.
I need this medication on a regular basis and I’m reminded of this because I took one this morning and my mind is so still and calm. I need to go to a doctor and get a new perscription while I still have insurance and find a way to pay for it. But I don’t. Partly because of the cost. But going to the doctor to get the perscription won’t cost a dime. I avoid it because I’m afraid the doctor will think I’m just looking for something to abuse.
It doesn’t make sense. Why do I feel that way? I have a diagnosis. I used to take it regularly for a few years. I moved and changed doctors and I’m afraid to discuss it with a new doctor. I don’t like the idea of being dependent on a medication, but I function so much better when I’m on it. I’m a better me. And I think that bothers me.